he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
