final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
