i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
