Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
