I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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