I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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