i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
