Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
