I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
