My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
