So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
