Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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