it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
