Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
