From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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