Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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