Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
