Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
