Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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