I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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