Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
