there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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