someone threw a dead crab at me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
