I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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