Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
