Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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