he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
