This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
