i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
