My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
