my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
