I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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