Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
