Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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