Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
