Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
