I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
