Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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