I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
