Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
