I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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