I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
