His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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