i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
