ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
