trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
