Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
