Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
