9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
