Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it hurts more in the daytime
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
