That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
