We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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